Was to blind to see...

It all started the day I found out the truth.Even with the evidence in my hands I got tackle to the ground.He didn't give a damn how bad he hurt me.Or the fact that I was his girl, or the mother of his children. After the fight, he ran with her crap, along with the marks she left behind on his body. I just stood there, then it happened. I lost it. I cried, like I have never cried or felt such pain before. I went crazy, destroyed whatever we had. Things got worst as time went by. I had just gotten a job, yet I had no money, no car.He took it all. Left us with nothing.Time went on, And I got worst. But then I wanted him back. A few weeks later, it all started, he promised he would never do that again. I was blinded by the love I still had.And was played like a fool.I struggle and I cried. Then one night being left out in the cold alone in a bad area with no way home.I started thinking. I finally made it in the snow,cold weather. I made it home 3hrs later. I couldn't sleep, I felt like I was kept in a freezer.Woke up 3 hrs later.He didn't care for me at all. No text, no phone calls, not even there to see if I was OK. This pain just kept getting worst.And it happened. My first attempt to commit suicide.I cut myself, I took prescribe meds along with over the counter meds. I ended up in the hospital for days.He to finally call just to talk crap to me. Later I found out he left me there,kicked me out from the car to go get her. A nasty whore.
Later on I didn't see my kids, I was struggling alone.I kept away from everyone.This heartache became my disease.For the next five months, I was alone,I cried every day. Would walk for hrs at a time.Drink and try to get what little sleep possible.Hunger was not an issue. Its weird what pain,stress, and severe depression can do to a person. Couldn't visit friends or family. He was always there. In their homes.I scared.I would see him or hear his voice and I would fall apart all over again. I would star to shake,and cry. I broke down every time.
I didn't see anyone the same anymore. All I felt was pain. I became what he made me believe I was. NO ONE. There was no love,joy,laughter.Nothing. One day I got a call,someone wanted to see how things were.He talk about his problems and I talked about mines. We had conversations about whatever.I tried to understand things and he, well I don't know.
I was told that I WAS NOTHING,I was ugly and not good enough to be with,hang with and have fun with. I was been told different by someone else. And just for them few minutes or talks, I felt like JC was wrong. I did nothing but love him.(Just a kid lost) I did nothing wrong, I am a woman, and one who gave birth to his children. I am pretty no matter how big I was.(Lost 47lbs to this day). I did nothing but stay home.Take care of family and didn't ask for much.
I was made to feel like garbage. I went home and force myself to sleep to forget. To later wake up and did nothing but cry. I was starving. I wanted to get out and forget.I had no one. So I started drinking. When I decided to go out for a walk. I got a call. One from a drunk who started calling me talking nonsense for no reason. Another from someone who just wanted to see if I was OK.That's what he said. I should of saw it.I didn't say anything to no one. Not even to him.I hoped he didn't remember and I sure didn't want to bring it up. A few days later he called. It turned out he new what he was doing.I thought I WAS STRONGER THAN THAT.
Once again I was blinded, this time not by pain but by the lies that were making me not remember the reason why I was in such pain.By the time I realized this, the damage was done. I was used again and lied to.Why would someone wait years, and wait for your life to come crashing down to make you feel better and take advantage? 27 years of life, to label all men as worthless, useless, pigs, who are selfish, cold hearted and evil.
I have been force and held down to have sex. I have been beaten. Once I was past out, home alone, fully clothed.To wake up upstairs,fully naked on a bed being drag by my feet, have someone on top of me,screaming at me.Punching me like if I was a punching bag.Me begging him to stop,blood dripping from my lips as they started to swell up.And just like it started he was gone.Left me there, bruised, bleeding naked on the floor.
Been in the hospital 3 times,beaten, homeless,lost 47lbs, became the sick person that I am today within 11 months.

Violence in the home

This is not how your treat a friend,someone you claim you truly love? This is just part of how someone can react after been caught cheating.This wasn't all. It became something else, something more.Even after you go... go your own way. There were busted swollen lips, bruise nose, ribs. Bruises from head to even my legs. This is domestic violence. It shouldn't never had happened to me. It gets worst when after a beating, he still manages to not see what he did and grabs you down. Holds you and forces himself on you. No one should have to go through this. I'm still here.Of course, then I wouldn't be doing this. But there are so many others who dont make it.To some its like a trap.It might feel like there's no letting go.
Its messed up how people who act like they care, really dont. Don't bother to help you, give you a little push to find the right way. I feel like I am being blinded by something.I feel like I hit the end of the road and I have nowhere else to go.

"Code Red"

It was along time ago,and to me it was the best day ever.I couldn't stop thinking about you. And to top it off I didn't even know you. But now, I'm in ruins. I feel lost. And there's no way back. I'm like at the end of the road with no where else to go. Nothing is ever meant to last and I so know that now. As a kid I was in search of something, of someone. A friend some one to be there for me. And not put me down, to like me for who I was. And when i met you, and with time passing by I felt safe, I was happy. I had a friend.But as time when by it all changed.
I'm so sick of people saying it was my fault. I'm so sick of people only looking at it one way. There's always another way.
No one knew what it was to be.... to be me. There's so much that has been going on. So much shit that I cant really take it anymore. I'm tired.
Lies,pain, violence the cheating.Even MY thoughts are driving me insane. And no its not all in my head.
Here's one that wont go away.
I became a happy mother, and OUT of nowhere I became someone screaming from the pain.It was something that I have never felt before. Sitting home, with nothing.Just looking around at what use to be a home, a happy home.My kids where no longer there,He was no longer mines. I was there alone, crying like I have been for days. I destroyed all pictures that we had just taken, cause to me they were all a fake. I didn't feel nothing but pain.I didn't see nothing past things that shouldn't be there. What did I do to deserved any of this? The thoughts were driving me crazy.And Then I lost it. I haven't sleep in days. I was not the same anymore.I became a punching bag. I was taken advantage of. The prescription meds became good for one thing only.I took them all, I took a blade n cut my arm.I tried to see past all the hate and pain.And I Just couldn't.I was no longer myself. I was know as "code red" My depression was so bad from years of up and downs that what he did. Just made it sky rocket. I NO LONGER wanted to feel pain. I never thought that someone can only feel pain. Even looking at pictures of the kids on the wall.At that moment I fail as a mother.I didn't see anything.Alone I felt and saw pain, people around me I saw the same. I envy them. I felt like I was alone in this world and everyone was out to get me. And I lost. But I'm still here, and at times it just comes back. The pain still hunts me.But I'm taking baby steps. I was hospitalize 3 times withing 7months.I'm learning how to be stronger on my own. Without anti depressants. My way of dealing with things, go for walks...listen to lots of music and only hang out with people who ain't going to remind me of what I'm trying to forget.