"Code Red"

It was along time ago,and to me it was the best day ever.I couldn't stop thinking about you. And to top it off I didn't even know you. But now, I'm in ruins. I feel lost. And there's no way back. I'm like at the end of the road with no where else to go. Nothing is ever meant to last and I so know that now. As a kid I was in search of something, of someone. A friend some one to be there for me. And not put me down, to like me for who I was. And when i met you, and with time passing by I felt safe, I was happy. I had a friend.But as time when by it all changed.
I'm so sick of people saying it was my fault. I'm so sick of people only looking at it one way. There's always another way.
No one knew what it was to be.... to be me. There's so much that has been going on. So much shit that I cant really take it anymore. I'm tired.
Lies,pain, violence the cheating.Even MY thoughts are driving me insane. And no its not all in my head.
Here's one that wont go away.
I became a happy mother, and OUT of nowhere I became someone screaming from the pain.It was something that I have never felt before. Sitting home, with nothing.Just looking around at what use to be a home, a happy home.My kids where no longer there,He was no longer mines. I was there alone, crying like I have been for days. I destroyed all pictures that we had just taken, cause to me they were all a fake. I didn't feel nothing but pain.I didn't see nothing past things that shouldn't be there. What did I do to deserved any of this? The thoughts were driving me crazy.And Then I lost it. I haven't sleep in days. I was not the same anymore.I became a punching bag. I was taken advantage of. The prescription meds became good for one thing only.I took them all, I took a blade n cut my arm.I tried to see past all the hate and pain.And I Just couldn't.I was no longer myself. I was know as "code red" My depression was so bad from years of up and downs that what he did. Just made it sky rocket. I NO LONGER wanted to feel pain. I never thought that someone can only feel pain. Even looking at pictures of the kids on the wall.At that moment I fail as a mother.I didn't see anything.Alone I felt and saw pain, people around me I saw the same. I envy them. I felt like I was alone in this world and everyone was out to get me. And I lost. But I'm still here, and at times it just comes back. The pain still hunts me.But I'm taking baby steps. I was hospitalize 3 times withing 7months.I'm learning how to be stronger on my own. Without anti depressants. My way of dealing with things, go for walks...listen to lots of music and only hang out with people who ain't going to remind me of what I'm trying to forget.